Urban Coot
Our own dangerous Urban Coot explains the facts of life to inconsiderate neighbors, home owner's associations, Jehovah's Witnesses, etc. The list goes on and on.
RIDING LOW
Dear Urban Coot: My neighbor's 17-year-old kid wakes me up every night when he comes roaring home in his freakishly-loud lowered Honda. How can I shut him up without making enemies out of his parents?
--Hater, Denver, CO
Answer: STDs. No, not sexually transmitted diseases, rather Severe Tire Damage devices. Of course it is possible that a raging case of gonorrhea might keep him home at night, but the complexities of executing such a plan are well beyond the scope of this forum. The obvious solution to your problem is to anonymously make his chainsaw-on-wheels non-functional. Depending on the depth of his stupidity, it could be quite simple. I have seen some cases where simply putting a penny in his driveway will create a bump too large to drive over without approaching it from a 45 degree angle. My favorite technique is to wait until he has parked for the night then don your ninja outfit and put roofing nails behind his rear wheels in a pattern that will spell "SHHHH!" when he pulls over to investigate his flat tires 20 miles from home. Mean? Perhaps, but you have to ask yourself what a good night's sleep is really worth these days....
LOG RIDE
Dear Urban Coot: My best friend is ragging on me for cutting down the trees surrounding my house. He says it's a tragedy that a tree that took 100 years to grow can be cut down so carelessly in 20 minutes.
--Woody, WA
Answer: Your friend is right, it is a tragedy. My suggestion to you is to get a bigger chainsaw. There are only two reasons it should take you 20 minutes to cut a tree down: a) one of your pet beavers died and you only have two left, or b) the only sharp tool the psych ward will let you handle is a grapefruit spoon. Any moron with two hands and at least one leg can cut a tree down in under 5 minutes with even the weakest of gasoline powered devices. My personal favorite is the Stihl 44 with a 32 inch bar.
RECYCLE ME
Dear Urban Coot: My neighbors are constantly preaching to me about recycling. If I put even one item in the wrong bin I can count on them to point out the error of my ways. How can I tell them to mind their own business without looking like an eco-terrorist?
--Trailer Trash, Costa Mesa, CA
Answer: Your neighbors are right. Everybody should do their share to help keep our environment green. That being said, let's get down to the real problem. Your neighbors, like so many other well-meaning morons, are failing to see the big picture. I suggest you walk over there and point their binoculars away from your bedroom window and toward India and China instead. Maybe when they catch a whiff of a 3,000 mile long coal fire spewing out more noxious greenhouse gases than all the cars in the United States combined they'll feel just a little sheepish for squawking about that cup-o-noodles container you dropped in the wrong basket. If they persist in harassing you, find two stray cats and encourage them to create a new home in your neighbors new Escalade.
