Wash Your Damn Hands!
By Bud Cotterwize, Emergency Humor (Faux) News Bureau
"People are pigs," says health professional Rodney Widget, M.D. "No matter how often doctors and health professionals remind the public that they need to wash their hands after using the restroom, studies show that fewer folks are washing their hands now than in the dark ages."
"Men are the worst offenders," says Widget. "Recent studies show that men are less likely to wash their hands in public restrooms than women. In fact, studies have shown that a cat's ass is far cleaner than most men's hands."
Dr. Widget stated that the health community is fed up with issuing polite reminders to the public, and is "...planning a public health marketing blitz to finally get people's attention."
We're working with a Madison Avenue marketing firm," states Widget, "to help us reach all those extraordinarily stupid people that insist on believing that they don't need to wash up, because they can get in and out of a restroom without picking up any germs."
"In the past," he continued, "we'd have issued health bulletins citing studies that prove that people who wash their hands regularly get fewer gastrointestinal illnesses." Now, we are going to place catchy ads on billboards with statements such as:
YOU DON'T HAVE THE STOMACH FLU...YOU ATE SOMEONE ELSES POO. (WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!!!)
When asked if billboards of this nature will offend the public, Widget nods. "God, I hope so. It's time a few people were offended. There are so many folks walking around with feces and urine on their hands that they picked up by touching a door handle, belt buckle, or zipper. It's a wonder that anyone ever survives a company potluck."
Wiget says that many people justify not washing their hands saying that they fear picking up more germs in a restroom than they take in. "But that's just a lazy person's excuse...or an idiot's," says Widget. "Let's be honest here. It's child-like behavior. Folks simply don't want to take an extra minute to wash their hands, and as adults, they don't have to worry about their mother forcing them to behave."
Widget adds, "We have another billboard in the works that will address this issue:
MOM SAYS 'WASH YOUR HANDS' OR YOU'LL BE SENT TO BED WITH PROJECTILE DIARRHEA.
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EH reporter Bud Cotterwize contributed this report from Redmond, Washington.
