BUMPER STICKERS ON CAR

Dear Car Poobah: I own a Ford Taurus that I recently bought used. The previous owner put bumper stickers all over the back of the car. How can I get them off?

--D. R., Belt Buckle, TX

Dear D.R.: Dynamite. Use several sticks.

TOYOTA CAMRY LOW ON STYLE

Dear Car Poobah: My wife doesn't drive much and when she does it's only for short trips in town so I bought her a clean used Toyota Camry, but she wanted a Chrysler Sebring convertible. Now all she does is complain. I know the Camry is a better car for her, but can't convince her otherwise. What should I do?

--W. A., Silver Spurs, NV

Dear W.A.: Get a divorce.

2000 CHEVY MALIBU RUNS ROUGH

Dear Car Poobah : I have a 2000 Chevy Malibu. It starts but runs rough and stalls occasionally. Also, the transmission grinds and makes odd noises when I try to accelerate. Can you help?

--C. M , Rain Bucket, WA

Dear C.M.: Congratulations on owning a seven year old General Motors product that still starts and runs! What you described sounds to me like a new off-the-lot Chevy so why are you complaining? Also, trying to accelerate in a Chevy Malibu is an oxymoron and can’t happen. The sounds you are hearing are the car trying to explain that to you.

IN THE MARKET FOR NEW CAR

Dear Car Poobah: I’m in the market for a really good car and my friends are all telling me to get a Chrysler 300. What do you think?

--S. R., Erosion, CA

Dear S.R.: Buy a Porsche and, for God's sake, get new friends.

CAR CARE

Dear Car Poobah: I need to get another used car and I don’t take very good care of my cars. What would you recommend?

--B. J. J. B., Heart Worm, GA

Dear B.J.J.B.: Buy a bicycle and ride it repeatedly cross the busiest freeway you can find.

TRUCKER IMAGE

Dear Car Poobah: I have driven small sedans since the day I started driving, but I like the look and tough image of a truck and I'm now planning to buy one. What do you recommend?

--Easily Swayed, Loose Bowels, Iowa

Dear Easily Swayed: For anyone considering buying any vehicle based solely on image, I usually recommend suicide, but since I'm sure the emotional drive to get that truck will win out no matter what I suggest, here's a glimpse into what your driving life will soon look like:

• Turns: Must give written notice five working days in advance of attempted turn.
• U-Turns: Not an identified requirement at time of manufacture, therefore, not possible.
• Stopping: Will occur occasionally given the proper circumstances (see Turns).
• Parking: Possible in a Kansas wheat field. Otherwise not recommended.
• Visibility: Excellent, once you get out of the truck.
• Gas mileage: Not a problem if you marry into great wealth.

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